Anyone understand this frustration???

pms-moment

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1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.

8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.

9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.

10.You carry an umbrella.

11.Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

12.You don't go to Tesco's with all your friends.

13.You have standing orders and direct debits.

14.The heating works in your house.

15.Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

16.You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

17.You go from unlimited days of holidays to 20.

18.Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

19.You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

20.You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

21.Washing up is not an annual ritual.

22.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

23.You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.

24.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

25.You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

26.You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

27.You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.

28.You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.

29.You "hate scrounging students".

30.You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.

31.Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

32.You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.

33.You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

34.You always know where you are when you wake up.

35.You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

36.A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

37.You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

38.A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

39.You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

40.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

41.You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

42.Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

43.You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.

44.You have hoovered.

45.Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

46.'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.

47.Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

48.You don't experiment with banned substances.

49.You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.

50.You don't find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.

Thankfully I'm not that old quite yet...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"