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The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS, (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).

A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS, affects people of many different ages.

Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease eems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who ust congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, ith thousands of new cases appearing every day.

Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly,singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur.

Sometimes death ensues, usually after a cry of "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes?? by the victim"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.

Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.