The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says, "You're next fatty."

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading and says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies: "I think you'll find that that is a sheep."

The man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase and asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London, I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase and asks him where he's going .

He replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated ,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

The Average cucumber is at least six inches long

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

Cucumbers don't get too excited

A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take one home

A Cucumber can always wait until you get home

A Cucumber won't eat all the Popcorn......

A Cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne film festival

A Cucumber won't ask "Am I the first"

You can have as many Cucumbers as you can handle

You only eat Cucumber when you feel like it

Cucumbers never need a round of applause

Cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best
How was it
Did you come, how many times

Cucumbers aren't jealous... of your gynecologist, ski instructor, or hairdresser

Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover..or speculate about the next one

A Cucumber will never make a scene because there are other Cucumbers in the refrigerator

A Cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over

No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh Cucumber

Cucumbers can handle rejection

A Cucumber won't pout if you have a headache

A Cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet

With a Cucumber you never have to say your sorry

Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow

Cucumbers can stay up all night...and you don't have to sleep on a wet spot

Afterwards a Cucumber won't:
want to shake hands and be friends
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confession

A Cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore

With a Cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season

Cucumbers never answer your phone or read your text messages

A Cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor

A Cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a laundry basket

Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest

A Cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray

Cucumbers won't leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub

A Cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet

A Cucumber doesn't use the toilet while you're taking a shower

With a Cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it

Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair

A Cucumber will never leave for:
another woman
another man
another Cucumber

A Cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a wedgie

You always know where your Cucumber has been

Cucumbers don't have mid-life crises

A Cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun

Cucumbers don't play the guiter and try to find themselves

You won't find out later that your Cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin
likes you, but loves your
brother

Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do

A Cucumber won't wear a leisure suit to your office christmas party

A Cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit

Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom

A Cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family

A Cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually

Cucumbers never expect you to have little Cucumbers

Cucumbers don't say,"let's keep trying until we have a little boy."

It's easy to drop a Cucumber

A Cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything

NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CUKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!