"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this
week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much more work
needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been captured.
And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'"
* Jay Leno

"President Bush used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay
marriage. And then he said on a personal note, he apologized if he had done
anything to lead Tony Blair on."
* Bill Maher

"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on
civil liberties...in the original German."
-Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a
successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
* Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't
pronounce Schwarzenegger."
* David Letterman

"Arnold, if you ever need advice on the state of California or want to grope another girl, call me."

-- Porn star MARY CAREY conceding the California governor's election to ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Jay Leno, introducing Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Tonight is a testament of just how important one appearance on "The Tonight Show" can be, ladies and gentlemen. You know the critics said, 'Well, Arnold can't be an administrator, he's an actor. Oh, Arnold can't be an environmentalist, he's an actor. Oh, Arnold can't be governor, he's an actor.' Of course Arnold is thrilled -- for the first time in his career the critics are calling him an actor."