My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm
in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves
a big f*ckin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll
buy me a diamond !!!!

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly
fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"